A Reflection on Chess

Which piece is my favorite?

Let us start with the king. The seat of power, and an object for all of his servants and inferiors to protect. He is guarded, loved, and protected. The King loves feeling at the center, warm and surrounded, keeping darkness and enemies at bay. I am not the King.

How about the Queen? The Queen is reckless, a player of the board, knowing and cunning but overall resistant and strong. Attack one flank and she guards the other. Everyone loves and admires her, but at the end of the day, if you look past her power, you find boldness and little else. I am not the Queen.

A pawn, then? A Pawn watches silently, more a listener than a speaker, willing to sacrifice himself or herself, an idealist, a compassionate soul who always has the interests of the greater good at heart. Pawns are oddly rare. I am not a Pawn.

A Rook, maybe? Bold and sturdy and an effective point in a any strategy. Wise, not cunning. Resourceful, not quick thinking. And often lost to traps and innovation: archaic and outdated as it is sturdy. No, not a Rook.

A Knight, perhaps? Outspoken and witty and artful, the knight catches his enemies by surprise, pinning them into position when they least expect it. They are knowledgeable. They are patient and knowing and they are ever aware of the battlefield, biding their time for the victory. No, not a Knight.

That leaves us with the Bishop. Who is the bishop? An underloved character, certainly. Strong in some areas but completely incapable in areas. And yet, completely able to make sound strikes out of nowhere, using all resources, making no hasty judgements yet quick of mind. I think that I am a Bishop.

an anonymous letter to a person of confused relation

___________,

Let me start by saying that this is a recent development in the grand scheme of our acquaintanceship and an old development in the grand scheme of our... what, camaraderie? I like you. You are the first person in a long time that I've truly liked. Not for your eyes or your hair or your musculature or your voice or your height or your weight or your smell, not for pheromones; I like you, the person. I like the way you speak and the way you think as far as I can see into your mind. I like your ideas, your mannerisms, and your disposition. I like your niceness and kindness, your laughter and the way you truly exclude nobody. I like how reasonable you are, how you can agree to disagree, how you never get angry at a person for nothing. I like you as a person.

I'm not exactly sure when this started. I do know that in eighth grade, when I was having a lot of trouble making friends and I sort of just drifted along, you were a bright spot in my day. Not because we were best friends. But because you said hello to me after you knew my name and you smiled at me. At Castle smiles directed toward me were rare. It made me so happy, that you were such a happy person. I didn't have a crush on you in eighth grade, mind you. I just made a happy acknowledgment that someone cared enough to toss me a "hi" every now and then.

A really big part of me wants to send this letter to you anonymously and hope that you know who sent it... that I can show you my thoughts and you will recognize my writing style, my voice. I don't know. I think you'd feel complimented if I actually sent this to you. But it wouldn't affect your feelings towards me (such that I'm not aware of what they are in the least) because you aren't an emotional girl like I am.

I'm trying to make this as honest as possible. I hate strong words that sound cliched and... weird. Like the phrase "my heart broke" (totally irrelevant here, by the way; just an example). That is little more than a dramatic exaggeration. And yet there are few ways to say things without those ugly, overused words. For instance: every time you make the heart sign at me, I will admit it, my heart does a little skip and I grin from ear to ear and I do a heart sign back and I don't know why. I just want you to like me, maybe? Maybe you already do, even though it's pretty obvious you have... something with the girl who sits next to me. Maybe just a strong friendship. I don't know. I don't even know if you're single or taken. You do very little to hint at that. With another boy I had a mild crush on - a while ago, and not as... truthfully? It's hard to explain - I just waited and waited until I confirmed that he was going out with someone. (He was such a flirt, too. I hate when you let yourself be led on and then are surprised when it doesn't go anywhere.) I can't see that happening with you.

Are you going out with her? Maybe I'll just give a fuck, and ask. Maybe you will get the hint that I'm interested for a reason, even though I'll do my best to cover it up. You're intelligent like that.

I like that you're intelligent, too, and that you never play stupid, not even to make a point. I like that you express yourself in wonderful, productive ways. I like that you are kind of geeky without being nerdy. I like that we are so very similar. I like... I don't know. You. I like you, period.

And now I feel weird because I haven't said anything about you as a body and that's apparently what I'm supposed to talk about in weird anonymous love letters. I don't know. I like your hair and your height and your eyes and your... quirky? smile. I like your hands. And your nose. I'm an artist by nature; I notice weird things like the shape of people's noses. I have an appreciation for things that I'm not sure you would find complimentary because they're kind of weird. You don't go up to a person, or at least not a guy, and say, "Wow, I really like the shape of your lips!" (I do, by the way.) So understand when I don't say things like that with any passion because I don't consider them separately, I consider a body as a whole thing (it's been trained into me) and not only does talking about your body in general come on way too strong but it's not, for once, the reason I like you. (But there's your obligatory physical compliments. I'm done with that now.)

I have little else to say, except that I'm hopeful.

Sincerely and resignedly,

_____________

P.S. I know a "crush" is "serious" when I can't rationalize it away.

The Sexual Fluidity Project: A Survey

Jessica, 15, Female, Confused

Beliefs:
What does normal mean to you?
When most people think normal, they think "average." As far as I'm concerned, I have no problem with that definition. Being normal isn't something you should strive to be, but it's not something you should strive to get away from, either. You are who you are.

Do you believe sexuality can be fluid?Definitely. I know that personally I can't really put a label on my own sexuality, past "having one," because it changes. Sometimes from moment to moment, and sometimes over the course of years. And that's okay, because the only reason sexuality isn't considered fluid is because most people speak English, and we need words to describe ourselves, and that means labels, which aren't necessarily a bad thing but aren't necessarily a good thing either.

What does sex mean to you?Sex is an intimate act between two (or more) people. To me... I don't know. I wouldn't have sex with someone I didn't love, or at least know very well. That might be how I was raised, or it might be my sexuality. I don't know.

How do you feel about labels?Labels are just words. Like I said earlier, they aren't inherently good or bad. We need ways to describe ourselves, because we can't just transmit our thoughts to each other's brains. Until technology goes that far, labels are a deeply rooted part of our culture and language. I don't have a problem with that, except that I can't find a label to describe myself, so I can't explain myself very well. I'm "Jessicasexual:" a certain set of criteria that apply only to me.

Identity:How would you describe your sexuality?Confused. I don't know. The closest, I would say, is pansexual. I can be attracted to both boys and girls. But with men, I am attracted to them physically, and then warm to their personality, and with women, I'm attracted to them emotionally, and warm to them sexually. There's a psychological theory that we are taught our sexual identities in the womb based on a pheromone that you're given as a fetus: if you're given estrogen, you're attracted to girls, and if you're given testosterone, you're attracted to guys. I'd say that I'm "supposed" to be attracted to guys, because my biological urges make me look at guys first. But if I know a girl, and like her, sometimes I just start seeing her in a different light. I can't help it. And as for transgenders, intergenders, genderqueers, etc., it's all about the personality with me, and I can develop a physical attraction, much like I would with a girl.

Do you feel like you were born with a sexual identity?Yes. I don't disagree with the psychological theory I was talking about earlier. But I also think that there are other factors, because based on that theory bisexuality can't exist. I don't believe that, not at all.

How long have you been aware about your sexuality/sexual feelings? Have they ever changed?I've become confused only very recently. For the longest time, I thought that I was straight. But every now and then, sometimes with my best friends, I'd get crushes on girls. This was, I'd guess, somewhere way back in elementary, when everyone gets crushes but they aren't sure what that even means or how to act on it. And then, recently, I began to take mental notes on when and how I was attracted to someone, either sexually or romantically, and as the scientists would say, the results have been inconclusive.

Are you emotionally attracted to a gender different from the one you’re physically attracted to?I'm emotionally attracted to any and all genders. It's just the order of emotional and sexual attraction that's confusing.

Environment:Do you feel accepted in the community you live in? If not, do you see this changing in the future?Absolutely. I go to a high school where there's an honor code and a general environment of acceptance that basically says, you accept everyone for who they are. My parents have always accepted me and done their research on anything I was or believed or declared myself to be. The rest of my family doesn't need to know, because it'd start up unnecessary drama, and that's okay, because people don't advertise that they're straight to their extended family either. Whenever my friends and I talked about something related to sexuality, I always said things like, "Well, assuming I'm straight, then..." or "If I were to end up a lesbian, I'd..." and I don't think they understand it, but they certainly don't beat me down for it.

Did you have an experience as a child that made you feel like you didn’t fit in?

Growing up, did you feel pressure to stick to certain gender roles?

Can you talk to your parents about your sexual orientation?

Was sex talked about in your household?

Has religion had a positive or negative effect on how you came to terms with your sexual orientation?

Why Google is going to take over the world.

When we go onto the internet, we don't think, "I am going to use a search engine." We think, "I am going to Google it." Google does not own most information; they simply mirror it, redirecting you to the website that will (maybe) have what you need.

Think on this. What happens when some evil CEO gets bribed by... Apple, say? Now you look up "computer" and no PC sites show up on the first page (and who ever goes past the first page?). Or they start making new products which take over the front (and more!) pages. Now Google has their own computer company, and it's all that shows up in the search engine. It's all you can find now!

"Google +: an alternative for Facebook." And you search Facebook and this little ad looks you in the eye.

NO ONE IS SAFE.

/this has been brought to you by the Society for Imaginative Conspiratorial Thinking and Suspicion Towards Large Companies in a Satire-Filled Fashion, But Seriously, This is Kind of Scary.

Ritual for the Juno or "Higher Self," based from the Correllian Tradition

Materials

1. lavender or fresh linen incense
2. dull green, bright blue, crimson, black, white, sunny yellow, mild orange, and violet blunt candles (total: 8)
3. a chalice (glass) of pure water or whatever beverage I prefer at the time
4. image of the Higher Self, or a representation (imaginative = artwork or realistic = photograph)

This will require an individual altar which may be temporary (may not take place on the all-purpose altar).

1. Light the candles in the following order, from left to right: white, red, orange, yellow, green, blue, violet, black.
2.  With each candle, feel a part of the Self manifesting and attaching. It does not matter which parts signify which colors and vice versa. An example, for concrete assignments, might be:
• White = the Lighter Self
• Red = emotion
• Orange = masculine energy
• Yellow = spirit
• Green = feminine energy
• Blue = mentality
• Violet = magic
• Black = the Darker Self
3. Invoke the Higher Self. ("I call upon the Higher Self, the Juno.")
4. Visualize the Juno. She is me, grown and aged slightly, wise but emotional, pure and white, a girl.
5. Speak to the Juno. This should be akin to conversation. This breaks the Veil between the Self and the Higher Self.
6. Offer and chasten the chalice of water (etc.) to the Juno, dedicating it and purifying it. Then drink it. Imagine the light of the Juno filling the water, the glass. Visualize it moving through your body, passing the Juno's strrength and wisdom into you, reassuring you.
7. Meditate on the Juno, the Higher Self.
8. Complete the offering with words of thanks and devotion.
9. Extinguish the candles in the opposite order in which they were lit.
10. Cleanse the chalice.

Omg I am now a TRUE NEOPAGAN.

I just realized this.

I'm sitting in my room, a candle for my evening ritual glowing and incensing the air of the room with the smell of vanilla-scented wax. I'm listening to the Pagan Radio Network, a song called Secret Garden by Windancer, which hums and throbs pleasantly and mildly in the background through these speakers. I am saving up for a new grimoire. I have a pet rabbit who walks in and out of my circles as she pleases, named after a flower. I have ritual honey sitting on my desk, goddess research lying on my dresser, and an altar by my bed with an offering basket, vase, and pedestal (with aforementioned candle) on it. That aside, I'm doing an eve3ning ritual, in my regimen.

How odd.

The next entry will be a mock-revision for my Juno ritual. LIIIIKKKEEEE a hipster.

omg new skates

New roller skates in neon blue! Sure-Grips! OMG I AM SO EXCITED. Speed-skating practice at the track? YES.