Guess what, all my lovely, otherwise-endearing friends? I am tired of your bullshit antics.
I am tired of Friend A, who constantly writes new novellas about her unique, interesting characters - each identical, realistic/fantasy novella about the exact same bullshit girl with a spitfire personality and a hidden mushy side, who meets the exact same boy who is slightly overprotective but well-meaning at heart, and they kiss (exactly twice - there will ALWAYS be romance, but it will NEVER go past playful teen kisses), and they are unique and special and together for no reason other than their similar pasts and situations, and together they will defeat the exact same opposing team in the exact same way. Every novel(la) I read is identical to the last. Friend A doesn't know how to write, because she's simply projecting her ideals onto a blank screen - she's typed up a photocopy of herself, drawn different clothes and hair around each one - and created an ideal-boyfriend paper cutout and she will use them again and again, and she will not improve because she knows no other way, and any critique we give her is better spent on my eldest dog, whom is a lazy, whiny German shepherd and is the very definition of "old dog that can't be taught new tricks."
I am tired of Friend B, who means well but, frankly, thinks too much. The Powers That Be know very well that I'm the same way, but the PTB also know that I do not vomit my musings and my ministrations on how my life sucks on other people. Yes, I feel for Friend B, and I feel for Friend B very strongly at that, but I am exhausted of constantly hearing "my life sucks," over and over; I am constantly barraged, almost daily, by things that make me uncomfortable, which would be fine in itself if not for its constant presence; and I am being brought down by all of the negativity that seems to spout from Friend B's voice and head almost constantly, her obsession with the awful and the uncontrollable, and her tendency to put herself almost purposefully into bad situations.
I am tired of Friend C, whom I love dearly, and who therefore hurts me all the more when Friend C makes a passing remark about me that immediately gives my self esteem a good kick between the legs like no other person and no other remark could - how she knows what gets me, knows my style, knows the ways that I try to communicate my problems, how we know each other so very well, and yet she doesn't give a shit because she's too preoccupied with her own well-being to take a good look into someone else's soul - how Friend C is doing nothing to curb my suspicion that I am unwanted in her life, and yet constantly seems to reassure me of these things, and I am weary of how I believe neither extreme - and therefore, I can believe neither my own head nor anyone else's.
I am tired of Friend D, who seems to be on a crusader's quest to convert everyone to his style of hyper-intelligent anti-religious dogmatic too-logical practice of life, and of how, when I use common dictionary definitions to refute his arguments, he tries to turn the conversation around so that I, as in myself, am on some valiant quest to prove my point and I should be more open-minded. I am tired of how, in Friend D's presence, I feel wrong - guilty, even - for not being a Christian, of how he is slowly beginning to - and this is merely what I suspect - subconsciously warp my mind so that in the future I will immediately classify all atheists as self-righteous antireligious crusaders, and I am tired of him acting like he is always right, and of how he wants to win arguments and nothing can change his views; we do not have discussions as we used to, but simply sermons, in which he preaches.
I am tired of Friend E, who had given me some occasional hope that maybe I can, in fact, function as an average high-school-age girl in my society, and that maybe I can, in fact, think about someone else in a romantic, even sexual context - that I don't have to wander aimlessly through the desert of everyday human life, having sworn off romance after a brief chance contact that didn't mean anything. For a second I believed that maybe I don't have to get "prettied up like a peacock," as my mother suggests, and strut for the sake of attracting a potential mate. Maybe I won't get so desperate that I'll start to actually pay attention to Facebook for once because I want to change the relationship status to "in a relationship" because I simply want to draw attention to the fact that I'm open for business, DAMN it, and that maybe someone finds me attractive, and maybe YOU should too! Maybe I wouldn't have to find companionship in my many cats which I keep in my house on the corner of the street. But nothing. Always nothing.
Now for something more positive.
I am thankful for Friend F, who is not someone I have talked to very much, but have coexisted with for more than five years - and in retrospect I have seen her cry, seen her laugh, seen her act badly towards others, and seen her act well towards others. I have seen her defend people, defend her friends and people she didn't even know; I've seen her grow as a person, grow from the shy little geek we all were back then to the confident, witty and intelligent, funny person she is today, but mostly, to pretty much summarize all of these things, I'd like to thank Friend F for restoring my faith in the human race once more, and for being forgiving and open when my closer, "better" friends couldn't be.
When I get these thoughts off of my chest, it's better. It's like saying - here, Internet, take my problems. I don't want them. I'm discarding them to the PTB and letting them run free in the wild where they belong. We simply shouldn't domesticate things that aren't meant to be domesticated.
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