Angry pt. 2

Unrelated note to pt. 1:

When I think bad things lately, such as

Maybe my best friend is romantically interested in me... I should reciprocate.

or

I don't like this person, and they've really hurt me in the past... I should "lose" these important papers of theirs.

or

I'll never get a straight A in all of these classes. I should stop trying now - finals will be a breeze.

or

I'm not terribly pretty, so maybe it doesn't matter if I brush my hair and take a shower today.
When I leave the room, everyone looks at each other and snickers.
No one really cares what I say.
It doesn't matter if I eat badly - it's not like I ever gain any weight.
I don't have to clean the pet cage today, even though it stinks pretty bad and the pets are unhappy.
My friends don't truly care about me - they just don't want to have to make new friends.
All of life is politics, and I'll never fit in anywhere.
It is physically impossible to desire me - I am undesirable.
I take things far too seriously.
I take things far too lightly.
Everything I've done is going to bite me in the ass when karma finds me.
My family doesn't like it when I talk.
There's nobody who can truly help me.

Then I slap myself, because I have to stop thinking those things if I want to be happy.

I am declining. My mood is like a roller-coaster that I'm driving, and sometimes I can make it slow down, if I try really hard. But there's still only one track, and the only way off it is to turn the thing into the empty air and hope I land right. So all I can do is clutch the bars as we go down those huge dips, and convince myself that there's another hill upwards just around the bend. In the meantime, my mind is in a shit condition, and everything is really hard to deal with. When I last visited my social worker for psychological therapy, she caught me on a "happy" day. So we talked about how I was managing. We talked about how physical activity would help, how eating right and sleeping well would help, how my friends could help, how I dealt with school and people.

I think I'm afraid of people. I don't want to face their rejection, and I don't want to face their approval, because I know I can lose it. Sometimes it surprises me when people that I consider only the vaguest of acquaintances call me a friend. I don't make "friends" easily. In fact, I would consider myself almost friendless, with one, maybe two friends that I really trust with myself. And the others, I am constantly suspicious of. Is she thinking I shouldn't be sitting here with them? Is he secretly angry at me for infringing on some strange friendship-related "rule"? And the worst part is that I can't help it. I need help. I need to beat my head into the table and feel someone tell me that I am right.